I was corresponding this morning with a friend who lives far, far away on the monster-plagued, wind-blasted, water-lashed, earthquake-riven, and generally godforsaken scrap of volanic scree that men call Nippon. It seems that he has elevated himself to the lofty rank of Emperor over the wretched denizens of the hardscrabble village where he has established his household.

As a confirmed and proud Son of the West, I find it baffling and alien that an Occidental of any sort would choose to settle in a place whose indigenous population has either the temerity, perversity, or desperation to inflict octopus-flavored ice cream on the rest of the world, but he is fluent in their eldritch tongue, had previously married a fair maiden of that island nation, and seems deliriously happy there. He has told me previously that he’s always been mad for all things Japanese, so his work-related emigration can probably be viewed as a karmic reward for his diligence (in learning the language and culture) and generally being a decent fellow. For my part, I am content to merrily engage in lighthearted slander and libel against his adopted land, such as I have written here.

One product of Japan that I do dearly love, however, is the haiku, those minimalist (what, besides the Ginza and “Iron Chef” isn’t minimalist in Japan?) poems. Most Westerners know the familiar 3-line, 5-7-5 syllable construction pattern. That’s the one I use, too, poor benighted Westerner that I am. Anyhow, I thought it would be amusing to debase this noble art form for my own ends, namely, that of poking fun at the other thing my expatriate friend is devoted to: Linux. Now, I’m not a Tux-basher, but I just don’t have the time or patience to deal with Linux, and I can’t run my apps on it, so I feel, well, that it’s of rather limited value for an end-user. Anyhow, here are just a few haiku I composed to illustrate my experiences with Linux:

Yes. I am a geek.