You’d think that after decades of experience with eating, I’d remember that a diet consisting almost exclusively of fresh fruit has… consequences. Still, I can’t resist a bowl full of delicious cherries, no matter how hard I try.

I’m regular now, boy howdy. I practically elbowed a colleague in the face to get into the restroom this afternoon. The dolt was standing right in the doorway chatting with some sales drone. In his defense, he probably had no idea that I was struggling to contain one of nature’s most elemental forces. Poop.

Nonetheless, social niceties such as “excuse me” can be, I think, understandably forgone when one’s sphincter is the sole barrier between the municipal sewage system and a veritable colonic Krakatoa.

Things are just fine right now, though, thanks for asking. Or will be, until the rest of the cherries ripen in the next few days. Oh, and if you think this post was tasteless, read this.