Sometimes you just have to wonder “what the FUCK were they thinking?” when you stumble across certain inane situations. Such was the case at the local Consumecca the other day.

If you’ve ever been to one of those enormous members-only warehouse stores, you’ve doubtless seen the “Sample Squad”. You know the people. They’re generally old ladies, clad in white, wearing either hair nets or a kind of plastic shower-cap sort of affair, pimping paper cups of hot dog chunks, salad dressing, ice cream, or some other reasonably edible stuff they’re trying to sell.

I want to make it clear right now that I am NOT making fun of this woman that I’m about to describe. The idiots who set her up are another story.

Lazily strolling through the aisles, I was marvelling at such wonders as peanut butter packed in tubs large enough to fit small children into, 800-piece ratchet tool sets, and 15-pound sacks filled with “fun size” tubes of Preparation H. I didn’t want to ponder what anybody would plan on doing with the last item. Talk about your sucky Halloween treats. The Sample Squad didn’t really have anything interesting going on. Some flavorless-looking crackers, soy “milk”, some kind of chicken marinated in a pale, sweet-smelling goo, and a sour, horrible, multicolored gelato knockoff was all that was on offer. They must go through their entire inventory, item by item, never repeating, until they’ve offered samples of every one of their comestibles, and I’d decided to shop on the very last day until it rolled back to the good stuff.

Even with that in mind, I was baffled to find a woman standing behind a table laden with… plastic trash bags. Nobody approached her the entire time I was there, and she certainly looked supremely bored. I can’t understand how any moron could possibly imagine that sales of black plastic trash bags would be increased by attempting to offer samples. What’s the woman going to do? How would the sales pitch sound?

Bagpimp: Excuse me, sir, would you like to try one of our trash bags? They’re 4 mil.
Customer: I haven’t anything to throw away.
Bagpimp: No problem, sir. I have some wadded paper for you to test the bag with. While you’re waiting, see how smoothly they open, and the high gloss on the outer surface of the bag. They’re rip-resistant. These are great trash bags, better than any I’ve ever seen. They also come with your choice of twisty-tie colors: white and light grey.
Customer: Wow, this is the best trash bag I’ve ever used! Honey, kids, come over here and check out these trash bags! (Picks up several dozen boxes) These are great. Thank you!
Bagpimp: You’re very welcome, sir. Would your little one like a bag? (Offers bag to infant) Enjoy your bags!

Yeah. That’s how it might go down, assuming anybody, anywhere, gave a shit about what kind of trash bags they used. I was so astounded to see this display set up that I decided to surreptitiously snap a photo with my handy little digital Zippo Cam. Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure I fumbled the whole thing. Not only did I manage to get my finger in the shot, I think she totally made me. I got the hell out of Dodge. The last thing I need is a plastic pimpin’ bag lady from the Sample Squad on my ass. Nobody wants a piece of that action. She probably thought I was some kind of pervert jerk.

But hey, everybody thinks those white hair caps are way sexy, right? Right?