|
|
 I recently went shopping for some formal clothing. Black-tie stuff. Don’t laugh, you bastards; contrary to many popular theories, I do not melt, dissolve into a noisome vapor, break out in great oozing hives, burst into flame, or simply keel over dead when attempting to don apparel more fancy than a striped t-shirt. I actually happen to look pretty damned sharp in a suit and tie, I’ll have you know.
But, as they say, I digress.
I took a virtual perambulation through several online shops, not to actually purchase a tuxedo online, but to try and get a general idea of the kind of capital outlay I’d be expected to provide in order to acquire such fine raiment. I didn’t expect it to come cheap, and prices, though uncomfortable, were not surprising. What came as a shock, though, is how hard it is to find a plain tuxedo.
I perused many stores, first on the Web, then in person, with increasing exasperation and horror. What has happened to the simple, classy evening wear of yesteryear? While I was thankful I didn’t encounter such fashion atrocities as are seen at the Oscars (faux 19th-century frock coats, self-conscious lounge glam, and carefully damaged post-punk anti-glam), there’s plenty of weird and awful suits out there. I saw so many bad tuxedos that distinct patterns emerged; archetypes became evident. Ladies and gentlemen, I submit for your edification and entertainment the six major forms of what now passes for formal wear in North America. All the suits seen here were originally accompanied by ad copy actually proclaiming them to be tuxedos.
 |
  |
|
Formerlz known as the "Casual Scientist", this handsome, long white coat without lapels is sure get you noticed at your next formal occasion. Both women and men will be irresistably attracted to you when you wear this fine garment, though it will be primarily to solicit informal medical advice about herpes lesions, corns, explosive flatulence, illegitimate pregnancy, and other horrible things they are too embarrased to ask their regular doctor about.
Modeled closely after the prop wardrobe of the classic medical-themed TV show "Marcus Welby, M.D.", this tuxedo is emininently affordable at just slightly less than the cost of two years’ tuition at medical school.
|
 |
 |
|
Did you admire David Byrne’s Big Suit back in the 80’s but feel a little intimidated by its sheer size and bulk? Perhaps you need a shapeless, slab-sided coat to hide your weird, misshapen body, contraband, or concealed weapons?
Insipidly tailored for the milquetoast nothing of a man, this tuxedo does double duty as banal business wear. Heck, it’s completely indistinguishable from a $50 suit from Wal-Mart, excepting that we tack a zero or three onto the end of the price tag; nobody will know the difference. It’s really only a tuxedo because we’re telling you it is, and if "grey and square" is your style, you’re not imaginative enough to raise any kind of objection, anyway.
|
 |
 |
Ensconced in luxurious maroon silk brocade with matching necktie, you too can relive those thrilling good ol’ days of yesteryear, sipping juleps on the deck of a Mississippi steamer, cheating farmers out of their life savings.
The exciting accessories available with this ensemble include diamond-studded watch fobs, spurs, filigree snuff box or cigar case, and optional derringer pocket.
The Riverboat Gambler™ is proud to be the only tuxedo to win the official approval of the Robert Conrad Television Reenactors Guild of the Greater Hoboken Metropolitan Area.
|
 |
 |
|
The 1970’s are back on the formal scene with the reintroduction of the Classic Powder Blue. Unfortunately, they are no less ridiculous than they were the first time around. Nowhere is this more obvious than with this tuxedo, colored with the soft and gentle, yet weirdly garish, pale hue normally reserved for footie pajamas.
Designed to meet the discriminating tastes of the deliberately tasteless postmodern crypto-hipster retro fashionista, you will be sure to be the envy of all your peers. Until they find out you paid at least three figures for this tuxedo that normally goes for around $15 at most well-stocked thrift stores, that is.
|
 |
 |
|
Who cares about the 70s revival, though, when you can go all the way back to the mod 60s, baby? Combining three parts Austin Powers with one part Horatio Hornblower, you can finally live out your fantasies of the Swinging Sixties! No matter that they never really existed, because most people were too busy building missiles and atomic warheads to point at the Commies.
Groove your way through your next soirée or orgy, clad in the finest satin. Also available in authentic period colors and patterns like hot pink, paisley, stripes, and plaid.
|
 |
 |
|
For all the snazz and pizzazz that pervades our modern lives, you still always return to the basics. Like death. And nothing says "death" like the Mortician, from the renowned Pallbearer line. An excellent choice for funerals, embalmings, and dirge recitals, the Mortician’s heavy fabric and somber, austere look let everyone know you’re "serious as a heart attack" about your fashion sense.
No accessories are sold with this tuxedo, since the accumulation of wealth and baubles are meaningless in the grim, cold context of universal mortality. The Mortician is meticulously crafted, comes pre-treated with Verm-Away™ worm repellent, and is available in in four colors: Onyx, Umbral, Stygian, and Black.
The Mortician: Because it looks so natural.
|
There you have it: your formal fashion guide for this season, and, presumably, beyond, at least if you buy that last tuxedo. I know I’ve enjoyed this little jaunt into haute couture, and I hope you have, too. I was sure that I’d have some really clever closing line, or at least a stinging smartass remark, made up before I came to the end of this post, but, alas, the paucity of my wit betrays me yet again. Until next time, gentle readers.
|
