I was, but I’m not anymore. I may never be again. I had just sold something on eBay (see the immediately preceding post), and was feeling pretty good about the Internet. It seemed, briefly, that the ‘Net was a nice, happy place that will enrich human lives and create a more egalitarian geopolitical and economic system.

I was wrong, and the buzzkill landed on me like a ton of PVC fetish gear not minutes after the buzz began. The ‘Net is still just a sleazy dump full of weird sex-related products like this one, where you can buy a piña colada-flavored beverage packaged inside a phallus. While I can see this idea selling to niche sectors like flaming drag queens, pretty-boy helmet huggers, or perhaps as naughty party favors for bachelorette shindigs, I shudder at what the world might look like if this thing becomes a craze. Can you imagine being able to keep a straight face at a business meeting ever again?

Perhaps you’re more into actual sex than simply cavorting around with a fake dick glued to your lips. Not to worry, the same company has lubricants in similar containers, but repackaged for niche markets, like gays, middle school kids, and goths. I really think they could capture additional market share by introducing an all-in-one design catering to the underserved demographic of gay middle-school goths, however. Perhaps they’ll take the easy way out and just sell a variety pack.

The Internet is a horrible place. Can someone please make it stop?