You have probably already heard about how our valiant allies in the struggle to spread liberty and tolerance across the globe deal with St. Valentine’s day. Here in decadent and debased America, however, not only do we celebrate this vilest, most prurient of festivals, we’re now beginning to discard all the pretense of romance and dewy-eyed sentimentalism, and getting down to the brass tacks. I’m talking, of course, about coitus. Bumping uglies. The pickle tickle. The nasty. Gettin’ yo’ freak on.

Not only that, but, through the wonder of contemporary Internet capitalism, it’s even cheaper than ever before. Observe the image below, if you will, which arrived in my inbox the other day from eBay. I mean, wow! At that price, I’ll take several dozen. I’ve been previously used to the auction style, but I’m definitely attracted to the prix fixe idea. Of course, I imagine this bears further checking out; there’s no indication, for instance, whether the purchaser or the seller is the insertee, nor the precise parties involved. I’m sort of hoping that they’re some sort of generally applicable voucher, you know, "valid with all participating persons and orifices".

If they’d only thought of this when I was still on the market. Damn.