I’ve been losing some weight lately. Over the last couple of years I’d been busily inflating my waistband, like some kind of obscene meat balloon. I even bought new clothes to contain my expanding, corpulent girth. Eventually, my distended gut threatened to escape even those relaxed confines, and I declared war upon my blubber.

So I’ve been working out, eating less, and I’ve dropped fifteen pounds so far. Several colleagues have been razzing me for working out at 6:00 AM every morning, and eating little at work but oranges, soup, and bread. Yesterday morning, one such colleague asked me if I was slimming down because I’d made a recent thong purchase. I told him that the rumor was absolutely true. A second office wag interjected with "but the thing is, he wears it backwards!". Assorted laughs and titters ran through the cube farm.

"Scrotal floss", I said, in a matter-of-fact voice that silenced the laughter. One of them was sent reeling back into his cubicle with a wholly unwanted mental image, and the other merely grimaced and spun on his chair back to face his monitor, but, tellingly, made no further inquiries regarding the subject. It just goes to show that offense really can be the best defense.