I don’t know how I stumbled on this one, but I found a transcription of an old Mormon pamphlet advising readers how they can "overcome" the ill-defined but doubtless evils of masturbation. While the fellow that posted this enlightening item was a particular fan of suggestion number 19 (tie one of your hands to the bedpost before you go to sleep), many of them are amusing. In particular, I surmise that it must have been critically important to implement all nine steps of its guide, as well as the 21 suggested practices, because cherry-picking (no pun intended) might yield undesireable results.

For instance, if you chose item 6 from the Guide to Self-Control list along with suggestions 3 and 17, you’d end up being a fat loner who apparently suffered from Tourette’s Syndrome. It logically follows from suggestion 15 that Mexicans and Indians must be inveterate self-abusers. Guide points 3 and 9 seem diametrically opposed to each other. How are you supposed to know you’re hanging out with a fellow victim of carrot-shuffling if you don’t talk about it? Not that it’s usually a topic of conversation anyway — "You know, Dave, I just can’t stop jacking off; it’s a real problem" is the sort of statement that gets an icy stare at best, and is more likely an invitation for an ass-kicking.

Guide item 4 is just really sort of strange. I don’t know about you, but I doubt very many people get aroused by looking at their own bodies. The sort of people who get turned on by their own perceived hotness to the point where using their own hand is its own reward probably aren’t going to change their behavior based on the instructions in a pamphlet.

People are so weird about sex.