So ever since I wrote the last post, I’ve been wondering exactly what 528 aphids would look like if they hadn’t been dried up, mashed, and otherwise liquified into beer. I mean, 528 is a big number, especially when you’re talking about eating bugs, but it’s still somewhat abstract. Suppose you wanted to cut out the middle man and go straight to the source (can you get a buzz off of mashed aphids?), what is that helping of Aphidoidea really going to look like?

Since the dandelions in my front yard still have not recovered from the genocide I inflicted on them in the summer, I can’t go out and actually collect half a thousand of the evil little things to take a picture, so I’m back to theoretical musings. Now, some people say this sort of post indicates I don’t have enough to do. To those people I say "thank you". They’re being very kind to say so, since what it really indicates is that I’m shirking work to bruit this tripe.

• The aphids in my area are roughly 3mm on a side when grown to adulthood (just the bodies; I didn’t count the additional visual (but negligible physical) volume that the insect appears to take up with its legs and alatae).
• One aphid, then, has a volume of 27mm³.
• There are 1000mm³ in one mL.
• 5mL equal one teaspoon.
• It takes 37 aphids to make up 1 mL (1000 ÷ 27).
• There are, then, 185 aphids to every teaspoon (137 × 5) .
• Since 528 ÷ 185 ≈ 2.8, you would need to shovel in 3 teaspoons (1 tablespoon) of packed aphids (since the legs and any alatae present will count when you scoop them up, unless you want to spend the time to pull all their tiny legs off, you sadistic fuck).

Pretty gross, when you think about it, especially if you’ve ever had to tend a yard and try and get rid of the goddamned things. You know how individual caviar eggs feel when you eat them? That tiny bit of rubbery resistance before they burst in your mouth? I’ll bet that’s what aphids would be like, only all pop and no resistance. The seem like pretty fragile things when I’m out in the yard murdering them. Like itty-bitty pop rocks with legs, only they deliquesce instead of fizz after you shove them into your piehole.

You know, it’s almost time for me to eat, but suddenly I’m not very hungry.