I spend a lot of time commuting to and from work. Too much time, really, but that’s another story.

During my driving hours, I get to spend a lot of quality time alone with my brain. I think about lots of things. I ponder eternal verities. I listen to music. I take in the sights and watch the world as it passes under my speeding wheels.

No matter how many hours I put in over the asphalt, though, there are some things I just can’t wrap my brain around. It is, perhaps, unsurprising that these mysteries revolve around the greatest X factor in the world: the thoughts (or dearth thereof) in other peoples’ brains. Seriously, there are quite a few drivers on our roads that should be taking a short bus instead of being allowed to steer 2,000+ pounds of steel and gasoline down the freeway.

I’m not talking about the irritating but unremarkable driving styles of the tailgater, the snails, or the wannabe Speed Racers. Those are easily explained. What baffles me are those driving decisions that are readily classifiable, but lack any clear purpose.

• The Bulldozer: These are the assholes who not only tailgate you, but tailgate you when you’re in the slow lane. Even when you’re the only other car driving down a four-lane freeway. I’ve actually had some of these twats flash their brights to tell me I should get out of their way, even though there are three fucking lanes open to my left. My usual response is the same I give to most tailgaters: I slow down.
• Fake Tailgaters: Garden-variety tailgaters are in some sort of huge hurry to get down the road faster than everyone else. Fake tailgaters are the drivers who zoom up in your rear-view mirror and ride your bumper but, when you pull over to allow them to pass, just sit there. It’s like their only goal was to catch up to you. Bizarre.
• The Looming Stalkers: These drivers always trigger my paranoia. They appear to be normal, if fast, drivers, proceeding down the road at a good clip, but once they’re neck-in-neck with you, they match your speed exactly. I half-expect the windows to roll down, revealing some villain’s menacing stare before he perpetrates his horrible vehicular assault, but it never happens. Wouldn’t you be creeped out if you were walking down the street and some stranger ran after you, only to slow down to walk shoulder-to-shoulder? Unsettling.
• The Gun-Jumpers: A lot of ricers fall into this category. Gun-Jumpers are the dorks in front of red lights who are itching to get across the intersection. They rev their engines. Their cars creep forward in anticipation of the green light, sometimes even lurching ahead prematurely when the left-turn lane gets its green light first. Yet, for all their hot-headed anticipation, These guys are almost never actually the first ones across the intersection when the light finally turns. In fact, they usually seem taken off-guard when the green light finally does appear.

What strange traffic behaviors have you seen on your commutes?