When I was kid I loved Speed Racer. The adventure, the wacky hijinks, and, of course, the sleek automotive wet dream that was the Mach 5—what was not to love? I didn’t get to watch many episodes; for some reason it only appeared irregularly on whatever local station broadcast it (this was in the Elder Days, long before cable). I remember being absolutely transfixed by the few episodes I was able to catch.

I was eight years old.

Years afterward I managed to catch it on TV again. After mere minutes of watching, I was deeply disappointed. It was not entertaining. It was not cool (though I will admit the Mach 5 still looks as sleek and fast as ever). It was not funny. It was poorly-animated, badly written, awful. It was the sort of thing an eight-year-old would find engaging. Apart from its kitsch value, it’s just a crappy cartoon.

With that in mind, I’m bewildered by the adults who slap Decepticon stickers on their cars or are wetting themselves in anticipation of the upcoming Transformers Movie, which is just a retread of a 30-minute daily toy commercial originally aimed at the late-elementary-to-middle school set. I am willing to concede that the movie might actually have greater aspirations, but I doubt it. I think I’m witnessing the next generations’ Speed Racer.