I was hungry after getting out of a four-hour Active Directory training session, so I decided to visit local quasi-landmark Redrum Burger for lunch.

I found it less than impressive. The burger was a good, solid representative sample of its ilk, but nothing special. Instead of fries, I ordered onion rings. I love a good onion ring or three, and consider it a veritable bellwether of a burger joint’s culinary repertoire. I must, however, sadly report that Redrum’s onion rings are the worst I’ve ever had.

While I vastly prefer crumb rings to battered rings, and thinly-sliced onions to thick, I will happily devour pretty much any ring placed in front of my face. Redrum’s rings, though, were essentially inedible, being not only thick and battered, but thickly-battered. How much batter was on these rings, you ask? Imagine, if you will, an onion doughnut: a chunky torus of fried cake with a belt of onion at its center. Sound appetizing? It wasn’t. This is no exaggeration; the cross-section of many of these ruthless artery-blockers measured a full inch in diameter.

I managed to choke down a couple of the things in a vain attempt to habituate my senses to the breading overload, but I simply couldn’t even contemplate nibbling at a third. They were terrible, not only because of the glut of batter, but in the same way cheap, rubbery escargot is terrible: the more time you spend masticating the stuff, the more time you have to actually think about what you’re eating. In the case of escargot, the realization goes something like "I’m chewing on a fucking snail". In this case, it was the cognizance that I might as well be sucking on a dish sponge full of lard. I think I’m going to ask Santa for a box of stents this year.