Meanwhile, back at the ranch, we’ve finally decided we’re tired of the boring off-white walls, uninteresting wallpaper, and atrocious, dilapidated flooring. The festivities began with new windows to replace the original heat sinks (and good riddance! Two of them were stuck so badly I literally had to use a hammer to open and close them), and we’re turning our attention to the interior.

While one of the fun things about redecorating is looking at magazines like Sunset or Country Living (or what have you) for new colors and inspiration, one of the big downsides is that you’re looking at magazines like Sunset or Country Living (or what have you). And boy, do they make me feel like a loser.

While there’s lots of intriguing ideas and clever uses of color and space, they’re all applied to fantastic houses I’d never, ever be able to afford. Oh, look, here’s a bold color scheme applied to the veranda of a nine-room summer house in the Hamptons, or an exquisitely-restored-using-period-artifacts Craftsman home nestled in the Hollywood hills. Not your cup of tea? How about something more rustic, like the next page’s charming French Country-style farmhouse, framed by century-old oak trees on a cozy little fifteen-acre riverside plot?

I’m proud of my humble bit of suburbia, but the mixture of awe and envy that bubbles up when I’m poring through these design magazines, slavering over these multimillion-dollar masterpieces, can be a bit discouraging. There’s nothing for it but to pick up the paintbrush and soldier on. It’s true that I’m generally happy with the results, but sometimes it’s like reading the recipe for veal Orloff when all you have is a box of mac n’ cheese sitting on the counter.