On a whim, I took the boys out to eat tonight. We ended up at the local instance of Red Robin. I don’t go there a whole lot, since A) the service invariably sucks and B) I’ve spent more than my share of hours there, having worked for the chain many moons ago. Nonetheless, I will admit the burgers there are pretty damned tasty. I also have my own favorite custom recipe, honed over the course of the two heartbreaking years I spent slaving away over their broilers.

Tonight, I ordered that special recipe, because I hadn’t had it in a long time, and it sounded good. The fact that my wife was working late and therefore not present to roll her eyes and make pointed comments about my expanding gut had, of course, absolutely nothing to do with my choice. When the food arrived, the waiter told me that out of all the customized burgers he’d ever served, this was the only one that had ever actually made him hungry.

Damn straight, I thought. That’s because this burger is made from 100% Pure Awesomeness. But hey, don’t just take my word for it. Order one yourself someday. It’s a Banzai Burger with the following modifications:

• 86 the pineapple
• Substitute pepper jack cheese for the cheddar
• Substitute chipotle mayonnaise for the regular mayonnaise
• Add red onion
• Add avocado

If you’re feeling particularly hostile to your vascular system, substitute fried onion straws for the red onion. As an added bonus, vegetarian variants rock just as hard; simply use a regular Gardenburger patty, or add a bit more avocado, to make up for the missing beef. That’s good eats right there.

Seriously, try one. Your taste buds (and your cardiologist’s college-age children) will thank you.