It’s official. I have nothing to offer my fellow man. Time for me to hang it all up. I can no longer maintain even the laughably thin façade of mediocrity I’ve managed to cower behind until now.

I know this because somebody finally mustered the courage to break the hard truth to me this morning. I suppose my colleagues have just been too nice to tell me. Thank goodness for the unflinching honesty of complete strangers! The conversation went like this:

User: “I’ve got a problem with one of the voice lines you guys set up for me.”
Me: “OK, what’s the number we’re dealing with?”
User: “I don’t know.”
Me: “OK… what’s the number printed on the wall jack?”
User: “I don’t know. There isn’t one.”
Me: “Um… alright… what building are you in?”
User: “[Name of 300+ voice line building]”
Me: “Great. What room number?”
User: “I don’t know. Can’t you look it up?”
Me: “Not without a jack number, no.”
User: *makes exasperated sound*
Me: “Is there a number printed on a nearby jack? A plate on the door?”
User: “Look, this is in the big room on the first floor. Just look it up!”
Me: “Sir, I need more information than ‘the big room’. We don’t have floor plans here, just voice and data network schematics.”
User: “Jesus Christ.” *mumbles angrily*
Me: “…”
User: “Look, I need this line to be analog, not digital.”
Me: “Well, we can help with that, but first we need to know which line we’re dealing with!”
User: “You’re worthless.” *click*
Me: “…”

Well, one of us is worthless, anyway.