It’s undergraduate admissions time once again, that merry season when everybody pitches in to deal with the flood of calls and e-mail from clueless applicants, confused transfer students, and enraged helicopter parents, all trying to access the admissions system to find out whether or not they (or their offspring) were accepted. It’s always a magical time of year.

We seriously wonder sometimes how some of these folks managed to make it past grade school, much less have a shot at attending a university. If only the admissions office would empower us to summarily reject some of these dolts. We’d all be better off.

Me: Okay, do you have your SSN or student ID number?

Caller: Yes.

Me: …

Me: …

Me: So what is your student ID number?

Caller: Oh, did you want that?

Caller: Hi, I don’t have my SSN or my Student ID number, and I need to get into my admissions account.

Me: OK, do you have your seven-digit UC application number?

Caller: Yes, I do.

Me: …

Me: …so what is that number?

Caller: Do you want the whole number?

(Oh, no, just whatever digits you’re comfortable with sharing right now. Idiot.)

Caller: I’m trying to create my admissions account, but it won’t let me. It just says “error”.

Me: All right, after the large text that says “error”, there will be a three-digit number and/or a short text description of the error.

Caller: No, it just says “error”, and to call you. That’s it.

Me: No, there will be additional text. What does it say?

Caller: “Error.”

Me: And after that?

Caller: There’s a line at the very bottom that says to call you if the error persists, I told you!

Me: (Starting to lose my patience) Look, I want you to read every single word on that error page. Every word.

Caller: A problem has occurred. Error creating your account. (lowers voice to a whisper) _{The password you selected on the previous page has the following problems: it contains fewer than 7 characters} (turns up the volume again) If you need assistance, call…

Caller: …but my daughter isn’t available to fix this problem, she’s in India. I’m her father, you can give me her password!

Colleague: I’m sorry, State and Federal law prohibits us from discussing account information with anybody other than the student.

Caller: Look, she’s been trying to fix this online for days, we just need it done.

Colleague: I’m sorry, but your daughter is going to have to talk to us directly.

Caller: She can’t do that! There are no phones in India!

I keep telling myself that these are the ones who didn’t make it in, but I’m afraid to find out for sure.