I was looking forward to getting into the office today and brewing myself a cup of French Vanilla tea I’d bought on Friday and stashed in my desk drawer. I love vanilla, and was really looking forward to drinking some the morning’s oatmeal. Somehow, though, despite its rich vanilla aroma, this tea manages to taste almost nothing like the storied bean. It’s just “tea”. Meh. What a letdown.

The University has been getting deluged with phishing attempts recently. Many purport to be from generic organizations like “Webmail Support Team” or “IT Staff”, but of late we’ve been seeing spearphishing attempts as well, spoofing UC Davis e-mail addresses, and the like.

One of the more pathetic attempts billed itself as being from “UC DAVIS UNIVERSITY OF CARLIFORNIA (WEBMAIL ACCOUNT SUPPORT)”. Thanks to the egregious misspelling, it doesn’t appear anybody was suckered by this hamfisted bid, but it did inspire this glorious vision:

To my incredulous colleague (you know who you are!) who indignantly demanded to know what sort of lunch I could have brought from home that would possibly cause me to—unthinkably—reject their offer of an ambrosial luncheon over Taco Bell “food” at the Silo, here is my pictorial answer, as promised:

I’m not sure why you dared me to put it up on the Internet, but there you go. I aim to please! Now go enjoy your chupavergas or double order of putitos or whatever it is over there you seem to like so much and for the love of God, let me eat my lunch IN PEACE.

From the geniuses in the payroll department:

“Any employee who does not have access to a computer or who is otherwise unable to obtain their earnings statement online, may request to receive on-going paper versions of the Direct Deposit statements by completing the Online Earnings Statement Exception form available on the payroll website.”

Had a meeting this morning with some project managers and assorted support personnel. It was unremarkable except for the big veiny phallus that had been drawn and left behind by the room’s previous occupant. Nobody noticed until I surreptitiously pointed it out to a couple of people over iChat. The project managers—not the type to let that sort of thing go unerased—never even noticed. It honestly sort of sums this particular project up rather well.

The plum crop is in, and, though less bountiful than last year’s bumper crop, it is still ridiculously large. Like last year, there is simply too much to eat fresh before it spoiled, so I set about making plum jelly in order to preserve as much of it as I could.

I got as far as my second gallon when I was about to run out of pectin. I was on the verge of buying more when I realized the madness had to end. I still have at least a couple of gallons from last year’s crop; what the hell was I doing making more? But if I wasn’t making jelly, what in Rodale’s name was I going to do with all these plums?

Foist them off on my colleagues, that’s what. Come on down and grab some fresh apricots and plums, guys; they’re sitting on my desk. If you do not take some fruit I will find you and give it to you, by force, if necessary. You will eat this fruit. You will eat it because you want it. Because it’s goddamned delicious. Seriously, they’re fantastic. Eat these fucking plums. Right now.